If Not Now, When? My Connection Between Song and Sobriety

As I  sit and reflect on 11 years of  sobriety, I’m drawn to the idea of how music has impacted my 

life since I stopped drinking.  Growing  up, I was always a groove guy, noticing how a song made me feel. Did it make my head nod and lift my spirits? Did it meet me at a low sonically? As I sobered up, I found myself paying more attention to the lyrics of songs more than I ever had. I can tell you the exact moment that I found myself at the bottom of a glass looking up asking “Why am I doing this to myself?” but I couldn’t tell you when “For Me This is Heaven” hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Clarity, by Jimmy Eat World, came out back in 1999. Fifteen years before I gave up drinking. I probably listened to that album hundreds of times, and “For Me This is Heaven” was just another beautiful song on a beautiful album. Some time after January 6th 2014, that song landed on my head like an anvil and ever since, it has become something more: An emotional release, a mantra, a guiding light in the darkness that is life. Sounds melodramatic right? But I gotta tell you, so many people I’ve met during my journey of sobriety have similar stories about how art has guided them and shaped them into something more than they could ever imagine.  This is the story of one of those songs that has shaped me.

“The first star I see may not be a star

We can't do a thing but wait

So let's wait for one more”

It starts with a challenge.  Is this what I think it is? Maybe we wait and see how this goes?  My drinking was rooted in anxiety and by nature I thought about things quickly and not always in a positive way. So let’s wait. Waiting is something I’ve learned to cherish but haven’t quite mastered. That's ok.

“And the time's such clumsy time

In deciding if it's time

I'm careful but not sure how it goes

You can lose yourself in your courage”

The waiting can be awkward. Do I go now? I’m not sure. Feeling confident? Not so fast you can get lost in that confidence. Four simple lines that capture anxiety at its roots. Navigating these feelings can definitely seem overwhelming but remember those first lines? Let’s wait a little more.

“When the time we have now ends

When the big hand goes round again

Can you still feel the butterflies?

Can you still hear the last goodnight?”

Remember a first kiss? The feeling of joy and anxious affection? The happiness that follows when you recall those moments? Can you still feel those butterflies? Or how about the opposite? Is there anything more terrifying than something ending? Time feels like it’s against us and we can’t catch our breath. Remember the good times, the moments that mean everything. Do you remember the last time you said goodnight to someone or something? It can be sad but also comforting.

“And the mindless comfort grows

When I'm alone with my big plans

And this is what she said gets her through it

If I don't let myself be happy now then when?”

That’s the line, that last line. “If I don’t let myself be happy now then when?” Will anxiety rule the day? On the day this song hit me upside the head, I lost it hearing this. Tears flowed. I remember- I’ve been sober for some time and I allow the fear of relapse to loom like a storm cloud over my life, even though things are so much better than they have been in years. The question of not now, when changed my outlook on my sobriety and what it CAN mean to me.

I channeled this new mantra into my therapy and challenged myself to allow me to be happy and enjoy the moments and allow them to roll over me, washed in joy, sadness and all the emotions in between.

The summer of 2023 I was lucky enough to see Jim Atkins and the band play at the Skyline Stage in Fairmount Park Philadelphia with my youngest daughter. Guess what? They played “For Me This is Heaven” and I lost it, tears streaming down my face.  Tears of joy as I looked over at my amazing daughter, Emma, and she saw me crying. Then she smiled. We were able to share this moment because Jim Atkins asked “If not now when” and I'm forever grateful for that.